Mobilization munchies, deployment delectables, Operation Iraqi Food

(From the top: an Iraqi feast on Christmas Eve, all-you-can-eat crab legs at the Al-Rasheed, trying a "new" form of meat from an MRE [see Road trip - Balad], cooking fish "moss goof" style)

Military rations came in two varieties, American and Coalition. The predominant rations in the country are American Meals Ready to Eat, or MRE's. These are actually quite good and there is a large variety of them. They all come with accessory packs that have Tabasco sauce, matches, toilet paper, chewing gum, salt, sugar, a tea bag, dry creamer, a Folgers coffee packet, and dry red hot peppers. There are more main courses than I will name here, but off the top of my head we had: Beef Enchiladas, hamburgers, beef chow mien, shrimp Jambalaya, spaghetti, Salisbury steaks in gravy, beef stew, chili macaroni, vegetarian meals which were mainly Pasta Al Fredo, and a BBQ pork patty. Side dishes included mashed potatoes, apples, applesauce, pasta, peaches, fruit cocktail, and prebaked, pre-fab bread slices, like soft hardtack. Condiments included peanut butter, apple or grape jelly, crackers, regular or jalapeno cheese, cherry, lime, or orange drink mix, hot chocolate mix, and picante sauce. Deserts included pound cake of various types, chocolate bars, energy bars, and candy. All MRE's come with a portable heater. It's a plastic pouch with a water-activated pad inside. You place the entree in the pouch and add water. The pad heats up and cooks the food. By the way, all the items above come in Army green foil pouches that you're supposed to tear at the mark, but never work.

TIPS: To stay awake, add the sugar packet to the coffee packet and swallow whole. Your heart will begin to palpitate almost immediately. You acquire night vision and can then pass the Army physical fitness test with flying colors. Lime and cherry drink mixes are fantastic mixers with vodka. Jalapeno cheese squeezed into any entree's foil pouch will enhance the flavor.

Jimmy Deans - This is slang for an Army boxed lunch, containing: Vienna sausages, cheese crackers, baked beans, pineapple-mango juice, Oreo cookies, a vacuum-packed hamburger bun, and a small can of Pringle’s potato chips. If you eat all of this at one sitting, in two hours you’ll be able to shit through a keyhole at 20 paces.

Virginia BBQ - First you take an oil barrel. Then you perforate it near the bottom and start a wood fire in it. Then wrap any or all of the following in aluminum foil: chicken, lamb, camel, road kill of unknown origin, vegetables, BBQ sauce/spice from MRE’s, Tobasco sauce from MRE’s, salt/pepper. Bake for several hours. Consume with hard liquor. Not for the faint-hearted or weak-stomached.

British rations were quite good. They came in a white box and unlike American rations all three meals are included in the box. We didn't know this at first and wondered why the Brits weren't incredibly overweight to be eating this much at each meal! The differences with the American rations are as follows: a lot more tea of different kinds, more accessories to add to the tea, not nearly the variety of food (as you might expect, it's mostly beef-centered, lots of stews, etc.), you get a little metal stove and heating tablets, tinned meats (like our "Potted meat products"), and really great breakfast food, complete with a sort of mock French toast with maple syrup, which is excellent. Also, they have a variety of soups.

Italians have the best rations - wine!! They get a wine ration in the same 6 oz little squeeze containers that we have for juice. On the box label it says in English, "Regulation Army White Wine." Easily the most civilized Army in Iraq. One wine box per meal. Also, their ration box is shaped like the Brits and is on the same principle of three meals included. Differences are that they have some tinned fish products, no stews, and a European breakfast (assorted crackers, biscuits, cheeses, and meats). In addition, we had an Italian Army NCO attached to our unit who was friends with an Army cook in Nasiriyah. He went down every now and then and returned with items from the Italian Army Mess Hall: wheels of Parmesan cheese, bottles of red and white wine, all kinds of pasta, fresh garlic, tomato sauces, butter, and bread. It was great to come home, go the fridge, and cut off an 8 oz hunk of fresh Parmesan for a snack.

Dutch rations are the worst. CASES of the same thing: tins of Dutch stew, either with beef or turkey, like Dinty Moore beef stew. Three times a day. I'd desert if I was in the Dutch Army.

Korean rations are also quite good and very popular because they were different. Lots of rice and noodle-based dishes in one bag to which you added boiling water and a spice packet, like Ramen noodles. Excellent!! Also, they had side dishes like squid, little hot dogs in BBQ sauce, packets of rice fixed in more ways than I can count, and lots of kimchee (hot spiced fermented cabbage). I ate mostly Korean rations when I was in the mood for military food.

In Kuwait, we had some German rations, outdated German rations. Germany's contribution to the Global War On Terror. Slightly less monotonous than the Dutch rations, but tasted much worse. No wonder German soldiers are always in a bad mood. Probably why they fought so well in World War II: they were promised the other sides' rations as an incentive for victory.

At first, Iraqi cuisine was kind of sparse. But once the free market began to operate, things came back to life. The Iraqis have their own version of an unleavened flat bread, which over a foot in diameter and quite good. You tear off chunks and use it for dipping, picking up other food, or making a sandwich. They have traditional Middle Eastern foods: lots of lamb served in different ways, lots of rice, chicken (the Iraqis do have chicken dishes unique to them which are quite good), tabouleh, hummus (theirs is too bland, not enough ginger and garlic), olives, dates, and the best fish I've ever eaten, cooked by a technique called "moss goof" (phonetic spelling), in which a pit is dug into the ground and a fire started. The fish are then put on stakes at the end of the fire pit. It's a fresh water fish that is found in the Tigris River and looks vaguely like a flounder. It's a white fish and as I said the best fish I've ever eaten. After oil, dates are the second largest
export of Iraq. They have at least fourteen different kinds of dates and I became sort of a connoisseur while I was there. The date-based confections they make are out of this world and can only be had in Iraq. Hopefully, they'll be able to export some of these in the future. In addition, they have the usual Middle Eastern confections like baklava and these treats that are made out of pistachio nuts (which are also grown in great quantities) that are delicious.

The Army doesn't run Mess Halls in Iraq. They are run by Kellogg, Brown, and Root, a division of Halliburton, the company everyone loves to hate. But you can't prove that by me as we had outstanding food at our mess halls. We all had to cut back to two meals a day as we were gaining weight. It was like eating at a Golden Corral all-you-can-eat establishment here in the states, only the quality of the food was much better. Fridays were steak and lobster. Nice.

Finally, I was at the Grand Hyatt in Amman, Jordan, there for seven days of temporary duty. The Jordanians brag that they have the best olives in the world. They do. In fact, for breakfast each day I’d have 2-3 cups of coffee and a plate of olives. They have as many different kinds as the Iraqis have dates. All the food was traditional fare, but in that hotel setting with those chefs, it was fantastic experience.